Final Fantasy XIII (Girls on the Couch Review)

Girls on the Couch Talk:
Final Fantasy XIII

I just thought of having a different format for this particular review since I experienced playing Final Fantasy XIII with a group (the girls of ABMA61). I was attending their exhibit -- on official business -- when they approached me with the question, "What do you think of Final Fantasy XIII?"

Since I don't own a PS3 (Boo me!), I told them that I just wanted to see Lightning, the game's protagonist, and that I was girl-crushing on her. So they invited me over to one of their overnight sessions at Angeli's condo. Angeli (girl at the leftmost side of the couch) was insisting that the game is good, while Hanna (girl with dyed green hair) said that it was nothing more than eye candy. Juju (girl in the middle) insisted she was interested in something else. They would not stop bantering, exchanging opinions rather passionately so they turned to me. They wanted to know what I *really* think.

Two Saturdays later, they picked me up at Star Mall. There were about five of us, with Ice being the only dude in the car. When I thought of the Girls on the Couch review format, I was joking that maybe Ice could be our resident butch (he could pretend to be a girl that looks like a boy).

Anyhoo, these are the highlights of our gaming experience.

Hanna: See? All you do is just mash the circle button repeatedly.

Angeli: But the paradigm shift makes it interesting!

Me: *button mashing my way through* Um...I'm getting bored. When do I get to the paradigm shift? Better yet, when do we get to the meat of the game?

Juju: After you finish the first 10 chapters.

Ice: *imitates Vanille's voice in the background* Kyaaa! Uh-huh!

Hours later...

Juju: Let's just look at the character profiles.

*Everyone screams at the sight of Lightning turning her pretty head.*

Hanna: Since we're all getting bored, can we just go and look at Fang's profile?

Juju: Let's! Please! I wish we had a professor that looked like that.

*Everyone screams at the sight of Fang turning her handsome head.*

Ok. Here's how I summarized everyone's thoughts.

Battle System: If you thought that Final Fantasy XII bred lazy gamers, you can begin to imagine how much lazier you'd become with this game. It really is just circle button mashing. I also immediately noticed that the FF victory theme had been completely changed. (Bye bye Nobuo Uematsu?) In the 90s, people complained that FFVIII didn't feel like an FF game, but at least FFVIII retained many of what defined the previous FFs. One of them is music.

Audiovisuals: Speaking of music, we suppose the creators were veering away from the classic FFs but the sounds here are not as memorable as the ones done by Nobuo Uematsu. Sorry. As for the visuals? Everything is breathtakingly beautiful but...I swear Final Fantasy XIII is a monument to the 3D modelers' ego. (Sorry, I know that job's not easy but this is a game...)

 

Gameplay: What gameplay? Walking, circle-button mashing, and watching lots and lots of cut scenes do not constitute gameplay. Even the summons, though more interactive, have been relegated into this boring routine. We also pitied Shiva. I personally don't see anything cool about turning her hotness into a motorcycle that unappealing Snow sits on. Plus, everything's just so linear!

We think they forgot the actual game. This is a shame. We were happy that a kick-ass female character finally gets to play lead (Terra does not count), only to find out that a supposedly better Final Fantasy XIII (Versus) is coming out. Its lead is male.

I hope he's gay like Firion. (Skysenshi wants vindication.)

Oerba Yun Fang. Is probably the only reason I'd get Final Fantasy XIII for collection purposes. She reminds me somewhat of FFX-2's Paine, except they finally did something about the scary gothic getup.

Anyway, if you're still interested in knowing more about Final Fantasy XIII, you can read more about it in this section of the Fridge.


Credits:
Screenshots courtesy of Amazon.com
Girls on Couch illustration by Hanna Angelica Ong
Final Fantasy XIII is copyright 2009 of Square Enix Co., Ltd.